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2015

2015...One of the hardest years of my life.
This year, I have become completely dibillitated.
I have lost 7 FurBabies.
My "Family Dynamic" changed.
There have been wonderful things too but....
Today, 2015 feels cruel, mean, bone strippling agonizing.
Losing Dezi on the anniversary of her adoption...
Yesterday was a beautiful sunny family filled Christmas. It was WONDERFUL & WONDERFILLED, until we got home.
Dezi came to us in 2007. We fostered her for over a year before adopting her.
When she was found & taken in by SAP, she was pregnant, had demodex mange, sarcoptic mange, a staph infection & yeast infection.
The yeast infection got into her mouth & throat & finally, into her lungs.
She healed up but the yeast had left her lungs scarred.
She would be bugeling & running, lose air & fall.
Needless to say, I perfected my skills in Doggie CPR.
Finally, it was decided that her health  issues were too expencive and that she was "UnAdoptable"
Scott adopted her for me (him lol) Christmas 2008.
In 2013, Dezi developed IBS. Each bout was worse than the last but, she always snapped back.
This last bout...She didn't.
Last night, at 11:59p.m. , We said our "Good-byes" to our beloved Shorts.
She was our 8th FurBaby to cross the bridge this year.
I know I entered into Seniors & Special Needs on my own, but, I never imagined how hard it would become.
My only solice is that Dezi is back w/ Randall, Pug, & Chicken, her best friends.
Still...

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Answer for question 4573.

If you could live during any one period of time, past or future, what period would you choose? Why would you choose that period, and what would you do there?
I would choose the late 1800s, early 1900s.
Then, you survived on your merits. You worked for everything you had and if you needed help, you had family & friends to help.
Now, families are scattered to the wind and neighbors no longer make the effort to even meet, let alone know one another.
Things were simple then.Family and friends were important then.

Helpless & hopeless

Not so very long ago, I was the strongest female I knew, physically. I could easily pick up as much as 150lbs w/o even thinking about it, throw &/or catch 50lb bags of dog food, fully loaded, glass doored coolers.
THEN, suddenly, in 2012 it completely changed. I could barely carry 100lbs of feed & walk w/it & my hands refused to bend properly, I could no longer give vaxinations, tie knots, Went from being able to walk 8 lg dogs, leashed, at once.
2013, I couldn't even pick up 50lbs & walk w/it.
2014, I couldn't move displays.
I started smoking again in 2013. First to use nicotine thereapy (Ecigs) then, in November, my #1 got sick. I started smoking. Back up to 2 pks a day now.
Anyway, I started hurting ALL over in 2011...It kept getting worse.
I saw Orthoapedics, neurologists, even rheumatologists...No one could find anything...
2014, Mt body betrayed me! I couldn't sepates papers, change, Couldn't lift, push, couldn't even sweep any more.
In December, I was fired from a job that I loved. Not for being in pain but...GAMBLING. Like Father, like daughter!
My identity had been stollen, by a trusted friend, creditors were calling. I couldn't prove that $30,000.00 + in spending was NOT mine! I got neurotic. Like Mother, Like daughter, & started trying to make quit $$. I started buying lottery tickets. Not 1 or 2, but obsessively.
By doing this, I broke company policy & betrayed a friend.
Anyway, FINALLY, in 2015, I had to admit that I was a cripple.
I tried getting another job. I couldn't handle the work...I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't even sweep or mop.
On April 14, My boss & her assistant put me on " Non Work Related Medical Leave".
YESTERDAY was the 1st of many surgeries.
I was finally diagnosed!
PolyarthralgeaMyalgea/Fibromyalgea.
Arthritis/tendonitis/bursitis
COPD
ADHD
Failed Back Syndrome
& on & on....
I'm now, not only, titanium from the middle of my back down, I have an exoskeleton, A TLSO w/ breastplate, special shoes & shoe inserts.
Once my feet are finished, I get to move on to shoulders, elbows. wrists & hands.
I'm in CONSTANT PAIN!
Still, when I see others, I put on my alter ego (one of them) and act as tho' everything is ok.
I laugh, joke, & smile....And I HURT! Not just a little but, nearly cry out, piss your pants pain.
I've become an INVALID. Look at that dispicable word! INVALID! No longer VALID.
Life sucks!
Life is PAIN! & I'm barely able to wipe my own ass!
From She-Raah to shit....
from capable, worthy, strong, dependable to....If I can...If I'm not falling down or sleeping so deeply that I can't get up....
From Valid to InValid.

Holidays....

I'm not big on the holidays. Never have been.
My memories of Christmas haven't been the greatest.
I do have to admit, they're better, well, they have been...
Still, when I'm home or anywhere but w/ the kids & grandkids, I'm filled w/ agonizing sorrow.
Growing up meant hearing & watching & being dragged into FIGHTS, not arguments, FIGHTS over TINSEL.
Mom would load the tree down, nearly bowing the boughs.
Dad, he HATED tinsel! I do mean HATED. He'd thrown more than 1 fully decoated tree out into the yard.
Once that was done, there was no safe place for me to hide!
BUT, Another Christmas memory, one I love, was in 2000. Everytime I decorate a tree, I remember & still, I bawl like a baby!
My bestfriend & roommate KNEW I didn't "do" Christmas.
His BabyGirl wanted a tree up.
SO, put up a tree, I did. Me & Amber....Always me & Amber....
Amber & I put the tree up, decorated it, & then lit it up!
It wasn't huge or fancy but it was the most beautiful tree I've ever seen.
My first Christmas w/ Scott (My Boogie), he wanted to have a tree. I didn't. When I woke up Christmas morning, He'd bougfht me a telescope, He decorated it like a tree.
Even then, He made huge sacrifices for me.
My Step-Kids' real mom loves Christmas. She decorates & we have Christmas there.
Her house is always beautiful & feels like HOME.
It's strange...I don't see HOME as a place. To me, HOME is Scott, Liz, The Kids, & Grandkids (step, once removed.lol) Rosie, and a few others.
BUT, this year, I'm not feeling HOME. This year, I'm feeling "separated".
Since April, I've felt separated.
I've felt my TRUE position.
I WAS a step-mom. I felt like a MOM, or as close as I'll ever get to feeling like a mom.
In March, in a courtfoom, I was reminded that my family really isn't mine.
In April, I was reminded that I'm not really family.
In May,l it was made extremely obvious.
I'm just some woman that came along, spent 8 yrs (5 w/ the dad & then 3 more) then was told to go away, for 10 yrs!
THEN, when I was allowed back in, I dove in. For me, I went back to before the 10 yrs passed.
UNFORTUNATELY, 10 years is a long time. People grow and change, some die, some are born, married, divorced, etc...
Not everyone can forget those 10 yrs. 10 yrs that I lived less than 5 miles away but never knew the ppl I loved were right down the rd.
To some, that are my heart, are my life, soul, the very breath I breathe, I was/ am just someone they knew & are now re-acquainted with.
To me, even tho' I have Boogs & my dogs & cats, I'm lonely.
I'm the, "She's not really family. She's not really anybody."
Now, the person that I thought was more than a friend, more, even, than a soul mate, only sees me as someone they've known for nearly 30 years.
So yes, I am that crazy bitch that came into their lives & yes, I am Now that crazy bitch that can't let go.
SO, here we go, Another Christmas...
I love my Boogie! I miss having a family.
I hate the holidays!
& ramble on......OMGosh! the ramblings!

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